Farm Record 004: Revisiting Clean Cabinets Tips and Coronavirus
TL;DR: This blog is more about the feelings that lead you to cleaning and stylizing your vintage dishware in a cabinet than it is about cleaning the cabinet itself.
If you’ve been following this snail’s pace ride of unfolding Celie & Squeak to share with you, then you know we’re moving into the middle of my most reflective moments of the year. And, yes, by reflective, I do mean the months and moments where I have at least a few existential crises prompted by career, family, and/or home decor. And then I usually decide to rearrange every part of the house at least once. This kind of self-reflection and overzealous nesting is exactly what brought me back to a blog I wrote in April of 2020 about an image I saved from @littleboxesorganization - an image that gave the cutest little tip about just removing all the cups you never choose in your cabinets so your cabinet can look just like the above cute and neat and stylized cup cubby. And I loved that image - love it now, even - because in the beginning that we all thought was the middle of Covid, it gave me something outside of fear of … every thing … to hold, to dream about, I think.
Well we’re still in a stage where we’re trying to pretend like we’re outside of Covid-19, even though we have no idea if or when we’ll ever be outside of Covid-19, or its repercussions. So. It seems timely to share this particular set of words, just one mo ‘gin - as me and all my cousins might say.
At the beginning of this whole #coronaquarantine situation, I really did have all the intentions of making all of my cabinets look this schmancy. I mean, there’s been A LOT of nesting. And a lot of cooking. So why wouldn’t I be able to make my cabinets look like this?
On Tuesday and Wednesday, I brined and dismembered and seasoned and (of course) froze an entire @butcher_box turkey. Not because it was Thanksgiving. Or because we’re allowed to have people over any time soon. But just because. And you know, as cute as it almost feels for me to be living my best “almost like my grandma on her homestead” life (I may have also blanched and frozen some vegetables), I’m not anywhere near cleaning out this cup cabinet because like:
I don’t even have cups that look like this. So it wouldn’t really even work all the way.
Yes, I’m a #Taurus. And so my natural means of coping include staying in my house for indefinite periods of time, and doomsday or depression prepping, but like … this moment is not pretend, you know. It’s real.
AND LIFE DIDN’T STOP WITH #COVID_19, EVEN THOUGH SOME OF US ARE PRETENDING LIKE IT DID. IN FACT, IT INTENSIFIED.
MORE FOR SOME OF US THAN OTHERS.
So, while I really just want cute ass cabinets to show off to you all on Instagram, I also want to make sure I can pay my mortgage, and my “whole host of other homeowner” bills, and my contractors, and my whole family’s cell phone bills, and my dad’s rent and light bill and groceries and all the other things I don’t ever talk to you all about. But we need to talk about. Because I know you’re thinking about them.
JUST LIKE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT THE REST OF THE PARTS OF YOUR LIFE THAT ARE AFFECTED EVEN IF NOT INFECTED.
It’s okay if you want to care about all the very big tiny things right now. It’s okay that you care more about why he stopped calling you more than you care about how many new cases of Covid were clocked today? It’s okay if you want her to just say “Hey, that was really shitty, and I didn’t mean for it to go down like that” more than you care about why in the world Florida folks just got told to #stayhome yesterday. It’s okay if you’re still rolling all the things around in your brain about how it could have ended differently if you had done or said something different, or done or said absolutely nothing at all.
It’s also okay to just sit with what is because of what was and has been.
It’s all okay. Even if you have no feelings to sit with.
THERE’S NO NEED TO JUMP TO THE FUTURE. THERE’S NO REAL HOPE IN THE PAST.
YOU’VE GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD IN THE SPACE OF RIGHT NOW.And right now, you feel exactly how you feel regardless of whether the Rona’s PR says that you’re allowed to feel it. As I was typing this just now, a friend texted me saying (and I promise, this friend really does type just like this; it’s a direct quote):
To grieve means to really feel this moment, and all the moments that led to it, and all the fear of what it may mean. The prospect of feeling this all is too much, sometimes. But I think to feel it also allows love to that pain, that fear.
Right now. In this moment. With all I’ve got: love to the pain; love to the fear; but most importantly, forever and always, all my deepest love to you.
Well, honestly, so much of this still tracks. I mean, I could easily replace my preoccupied Coronavirus references with Monkeypox or RSV. And, I still need to sit down and chat with you about all the responsibilities that have just come with fully transitioning into adulthood (yes, I’m 37 … but it takes some of us longer). And truly, I’m still trying to remind myself—by reminding you all over and over—that it’s okay to take the time to feel your feels. And, of course, I’m still obsessing over cabinets. Or what to fill them with, rather.
But more than anything, I’m still learning how to keep what I need for me, while sending all my deepest love to you. And I think I might be starting to get the hang of it.
with <3,
Kholi.